The Most Awesome Date Plan Ever
by comptine
Summary: It was foolproof. He had worked out every plan, every detail and each possible outcome almost guaranteed him Elizaveta's love. Until it was ruined by Gilbert's two cockblocking best friends. Gilbert/ElizavetaAU
1. The Plan

**The Most Incredible, Awesome, Kick-Ass, Foolproof Date Plan Ever **

(And how it was ruined by my two cockblocking, fags of best friends)

_By Gilbert Beilschmidt._

**Step 1**: Ask Elizaveta out. (She better say yes because everyone and their mother _knows_ she just broke up with Roderich and it she says no well… go to plan B and hope that I can find some chloroform somewhere.)

_Sample situation. Improvisation is allowed_:

Gilbert (me): Hey Elizaveta.

Elizaveta (her): "Oh Gilbert! How good to see you."

Me: Not as good as it is to see you. (She should blush here) So doing anything this weekend.

Her: Besides planning to burn every picture of Roderich I have? No.

Me: Perfect! I'll pick you up at two then? (Make sure to specify a time. Too many times have I been told I'll get a call and never get one.)

Her: Where are we going?

Me: It's a surprise. (I supply one wink here and watch her swoon. DO NOT TELL ANYONE THE SURPRISE. Last time I let slip I was trying to take her to the movies Antonio and Francis sat behind us the entire time and flicked popcorn at my head.)

Her: Oh how romantic. I can't wait! (She could either kiss my cheek (She's done it to Roddy, she'll do it to me), or run off like a girl, giggling. Both would be _most_ satisfactory.)

End step one.

**Step 2**: Pick romantic-yet causal place for date. (Not too fancy or else she'll get frightened away and I know you gotta reel 'em in nice and slow). Amusement Park.

(Blindfold Elizaveta. Wait, scratch that, just have her close her eyes - although the blindfold may give certain ideas, I'm not sure that Elizaveta wants those ideas (yet). Drive down to the park, get out of car and led her over to the entrance. *****Note* make sure to place my own hands over her eyes at one point.)

Me: (Be sure to remove hands) Surprise!

Elizaveta (her still): Oh Gilbert! This is wonderful! I am so surprised and grateful! Roderich, that bastard of an ex-boyfriend, never took me anywhere!

Me: Well what are we waiting for? (Remember to grab her hand) Let's go! (and for the love of god don't say Let's a-go! Too much Mario with Lovino is really getting to me)

_Prance, no, SAUNTER (prancing is gay) with Elizaveta down to the entrance and move on to Step 3 immediately after entering the park. I'm doing great, she's practically eating out of my hand!_

Step 3: Show her an awesome time. Be unusually nice to her like. ex: buy her stuff and compliment her hair. (Make her realize what she's been missing out on by dating that prick for two years) _Awesome time(s) can include:_

_**Roller Coaster**__: Odds are Elizaveta is scared and will cling to me._

_**Cotton Candy**__: Girls love candy. Elizaveta loves me (maybe hasn't realized it) so eating candy with me would equal double-love._

_**Water Ride**__: Wet girl, need I say more? (Pray she wears white and that cute pink bra I saw her with once while she was changing in the girl locker room. Revealed where the peephole was when I accidentally shouted (FRANCIS GRABBED MY ASS, OKAY?), but got to see half-naked girls.)_

_**Haunted House**__: She'll say no initially, but with a little friendly taunting, she'll do it. She'll need a hand to hold and I'll be ready for her. _

_See list C for entire list of possible activities._

Step 4: Take her on Ferris wheel ride and kiss her at top.

(_Self-explanatory_)

Step 5: See where things go from there.

(_Bring protection_)

-

Gilbert thought this was going to be a great idea. Elizaveta would have to fall for him! Only an idiot (prick, faux-aristocratic bastard) would not be wiled by his stunning good-looking and biting yet oddly quirky charms.

_Thought_ being the crucial word here.

* * *

**Author's Note**

A present for zulentha on lj~ More... later


	2. Step 1

**The Actual Date Plan**

(And how it was made even better by the French charm and Spanish spirit of Gilbo's two bestest friends ever)

_Original concept by Gilbert Beilschmidt. _

_Edits made by Francis Bonnefoy and Antonio_ _Fernandez Carriedo. _

_Revised by Arthur Kirkland, Alfred F. Jones and Matthew Williams (Captain Kirk, Big Al and Little Mattie) _

_Final edits by Ivan Braginski and assistants Toris Lorinaitis and Feliks Łukasiewicz and their assistants (Ravis and Eduard) _

_Produced by Asian Zelkova Networking Enterprises or AZN for short. President: Wang Yao, Vice President: Honda Kik- YONG SOO OWNS EVERYTHING. Treasurer: Li Yao, Secretary: Meili Yao._

**(ALL OF YOU GET OUT OF MY PLAN BEFORE I BREAK YOUR SPINES)**

-**  
**

**Chapter 1 - Step 1**

Currently:

where: at school (history class)

when: morning… ish. It's too cloudy to tell… wait it's 9:34 (thank God Eduard has his watched towards me. It's way too early to turn around and look at the clock.)

listening: Sadiq talking about liberalism and the Cold War.

watching: Eduard's watch and trying to ignore Ivan (he's been staring at me since teach mentioned the Berlin Wall)

-

-Note to Self- It's still cloudy. Check weather for weekend. Rain does not make for awesome times at an amusement park. Make back-up plan if necessary.

It all comes together today. Days, months and years (2) of careful research is all finally going to payoff. I, Gilbert Beilschmidt, will be dating Elizaveta Héderváry within the week (too early to buy a ring? - ask Vash's little sister, she might know what girls want (shit, remember to bring her cupcakes from Francis or she won't talk to me.))

It's not like she's going to say no. I mean, how could she? We were best friends when we were young but I called her a girl one day and that was it. It wasn't even an insult! She just had this… dude complex or something. The dummy thought she was going to grow a pair! (She did… just not where she thought she was)

-Note to Self (2)- While dating, try to figure out bra size. Francis says a solid B-38 but I'm leaning towards C-36. Free lunch for a week is on the line. If she's smaller, maybe I'll just lie…

Okay, so I call her a girl right? And she flips absolute _shit_ and doesn't talk to me all summer. Then we finally get back to school and I don't see Elizaveta the first day and I don't get to tell her my apology speech I spent all holidays writing (it was six pages long.) A week goes by and I still can't find her! So I go and ask Bella and Lucy if they've seen her.

**DiaLog - Sept 7th, 12:45 - Two Years Ago**

Lucy: Gilbert? What do you want?

Me: I'm looking for Lizzie, have you seen her?

Bella: Dude, she's in our History class. She sits, like, two rows in front of you.

Me: No…

Bella: Bet you five bucks.

**-End DiaLog-**

I lost that five faster than a hooker loses her panties (totally did not steal that from Alfred) that was the problem all along. I was looking for the wrong person. Elizaveta wasn't who I remembered she was. She was wearing makeup and her hair was all shiny and for the first time I could remember she was wearing the girl's uniform.

It took me three more days on intense study to figure out that Elizaveta was now _a girl_.

Since then I've been into her and she's hated me and is only dating Roderich because he's my cousin. If her standards were any lower, she'd be with Ludwig (and if he wasn't going steady with Feli (who would kill Elizaveta if she even tried to make moves on Lud.))

But obviously Roddy's fucked-up somehow and now it's my turn. Speaking of, class is over. Time to snag Elizaveta and then go to gym and dominate at dodgeball.

-

**Currently**

where: at school (boy's locker room - bathroom stall)

when: 9:45

listening: to a toilet flush

watching: Not men change, that's for sure.

-

So things didn't go according to plan.

At all.

**DiaLog - April 24th, 9:40 - This Year**

Taking place right beside her locker (#273)

Me: So Liz. (I lean against the lockers. Casual yet confident. -not that Francis has been teaching me is poise or anything.)

Her: Go away Gilbert. (SHE SLAMMED HER LOCKER DOOR AND FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT, but I managed to keep my cool save for a little squeak.)

Me: Hey! (that was the squeak and for, like, two seconds it was like puberty was all "fuck you Gilbert! You gotta go through it again!") That's no way to talk to the guy taking you out this weekend.

_Okay, so then she smiles at me and I know it's serious because she only smiles if I'm about to have my ass kicked or Roderich happens to be standing behind me._

Her: Oh I'm sorry. Did we enter some kind of alternate dimension where I actually agreed to go out with you?

Me: …Yes?

Her: Check again.

**-End DiaLog-**

More after Gym. fml.

-

**Currently**

where: at school (Lunchroom)

when: lunchtime idiot.

listening: Francis and Antonio comparing churro sizes (mine's biggest)

watching: Ivan is _still_ staring at me and it's starting to creep me the hell out.

-

So, things did go as planned in he end. I'm still trying to process it all… I think Elizaveta actually said yes. I mean… I found her after Gym and…

**DiaLog - April 24th, 11:15 - This Year**

-Took place in locker room, right after a rousing game of dodge ball (in which the "Bad Touch Trio" dominated once again)

_Dialogue was word, for word. I swear I have the worst friends ever. How can I be so awesome and them so… not… awesome?_

Me: She said no again.

Antonio (Anto): That's rough buddy. What's this? Number fifteen?

Francis (Franny): Oh no, we are definitely in the twenties by now. Thirties if we count that day where he asked her out every other hour just to see if rapidity would help his chances.

_I flipped him the bird, the cocksucking French dickweed._

Franny: Do not take your anger on me just because you cannot get a date with one girl. _C'est pas mon faute._

Me: It's not just any girl! She's my best friend since forever.

Franny: Or since she grew boobs and you realized that she _was_ a girl.

Anto: You didn't know she was a girl?

Me: I was young okay!? Gimmie a break for Christ's sake.

Anto: It's alright Gilbo! You'll get her one day!

Franny: Do not bet on it. As long as she is with Roderich she is not going to date.

_I moved into the showers, trying to ignore them. They followed anyway, taking the stalls beside me._

Me: I just don't get it… why doesn't she like me?

Franny: Maybe it is because…

_And then he looked down. The bastard looked down. And he raised that stupid eyebrow and just…_

Me: You pervert! Keep your eyes off me!

Anto: What are you guys doing?

Franny: Antonio, do you think Gilbert has _un petit garcon_? Or is it just my clearly more substantial _ego_ clouding my judgement?

Anto: No, Gilbo has always been on the small side…

_Worst friends ever. Who says that? What happened to bros before… dick size?_

Me: You fags are going to pay.

Franny: Come over here and get me then~

Me: Fuck you man. (_looking back, I really regret saying this_)

Anto: Do you really think Elizaveta isn't dating Gilbo because he's insecure?

Me: I am not insecure!

Franny: Says the pencil-dick.

Me: One day Francis… I swear I'm going to kill you.

Franny: Roderich is probably packing. And that is why you cannot get a date. You would not be able to satisfy Elizaveta.

_By now I'm merely expecting the worst from my friends but out of nowhere, Antonio says this. Pulls it right out of his goddamn ASS. I think I actually died for a second after he said it. Like a sneeze of absolute shitting bricks._

Anto: Roderich doesn't have a big package.

_Even Francis was surprised. And it takes a lot to surprise Franny._

Me: And how in the hell would you know!?

Anto: I accidentally walked in on him once. No big deal.

Me: What did I do to deserve punishment like this…

Franny: So how big was he? Do tell Antonio.

Anto: Average.

Me: Told you Francis. He's average.

Franny: Yeah, well anything beside _that_ looks like the _Tour Eiffel._

**-End DiaLog-**

Worst day ever, right?

WRONG. OH MY GOD, SO WRONG.

**DiaLog - April 24th, 11:20 - This Year**

_At this point, I threw my towel at Franny, grabbed a shirt and stormed out of the locker room. Obviously, I put on the shirt before going outside so the female population (+ Feliks) wouldn't be rendered utterly powerless by my hunkiness._

_And I run right smack into Elizaveta._

Me: Oh, Liz, I'm sor-

_I looked down and _GET THIS_ Lizzie was crying… well, her eyes were red and her cheeks were all wet and she looked a little worse-for-wear. Maybe she just had chem., but I was pretty sure it was emotional crying not chemically induced crying. Like you do when you watch the ending of Tuck Everlasting (NOT THAT I CRIED OR ANYTHING. PSHT)_

Me: Are you crying?

Her: N-No! (oh god she _was_)

Me: Uh, here. (I fished in my pocket, pulling out a small kerchief. _Okay, so my dad makes me carry around a handkerchief because he's German and is efficient._)

Her: O-Oh… Thanks. (We stood there for a bit, Elizaveta trying to clean her eyes and me standing there awkwardly, trying to glare at anyone who wants to intrude.) Here… thanks Gilbert.

Me: No problem… um… you… alright?

Her: I-I'm… just a little sad, alright!? (There's the Elizaveta I know)

Me: 'cause of Roddy right?

Her: Yes.

Me: Well… maybe you just need to take a break, not think about him. My offer for the amusement park thing is still open.

Her: (I didn't notice her eyes looking behind me, or her voice getting a little louder as if she wanted Roderich (who happened to be behind me at the moment) to hear.) You know what Gilbert? I would _love_ to go with you this weekend.

**-End DiaLog-**

So she said yes.

God, I am so awesome. This is going to be the greatest weekend ever.

**Step 1: Complete.**

**

* * *

**

**Author's Note**

I'd suggest reading this on livejournal as it gives me a lot more options with formatting options.

lol this is the only part where Arthur is even mentioned XD

Bella = Belgium (Belarus is Nataliya in my headcanon), Lucy/Lucette = Seychelles

Does anyone else have the best image of Gilbert sitting in a bathroom stall with his Macbook, blogging/plotting/planning?


	3. Step 2

**Chapter 2 - Step 2**

Currently:

where: outside Elizaveta's house

when: it's 13:30, 30 minutes until the most awesome day goes down. I've been up since 5.

listening: the radio. Though I've prepared a mix CD for when Elizaveta joins me (it's made up of Classical because… Well, girls like Mozart, right? Right.)

watching: Elizaveta's house. (she had toast for breakfast, KD for lunch)

-

Day started off pretty normal. I was up at five but Lud and father had already been up for an hour already (which is really all that shocking as they both go to bed at, like, eight) and both had already found the cure for cancer and AIDS, solved world hunger, written the treaty for World Peace and found environmentally stable and economically affordable energy sources. But won't share it because they want breakfast first

It's basically my job to cook at our house or else it _doesn't get done_ and we'd be living on wursts and take-out. We have toast because I'm _way_ too excited/happy/awesome to make a proper breakfast.

Dad notices immediately.

**DiaLog - April 25th, 6:00 - This Year**

the breakfast table.

Arnold Beilschmidt (AKA: Dad): What's wrong Gilbert? (And he's got his paper open and it's in fucking _German_ because moving to an **ENGLISH-SPEAKING NATION** doesn't mean would should accept their culture. NO, we have to get the newspaper fucking flooooooown in from Berlin _every-fucking-morning_ just so we can say "Fuck you! We're German!" - okay a bit ranty. _I'm_ not German. I'm Prussian.)

Me: Nothing (Like I'm going to tell my dad I have a date.)

Dad: (he turns to brother) Ludwig?

Ludwig: (-to the tune of "Spiderman"- _Cockblock Man. Clockblock man. Does whatever a chastity belt can. Stops that awesome, any size. See that chick? Now you don't. Watch out, here comes the Cockblock Man._) He's got a date.

Dad: Oh really now? And who is it?

Me: Your mom…

Lud: Nana? I thought you were going with Elizaveta?

Me: H-How did you know?

Lud: Saw it on Lucy's facebook.

Me: Dammit…

Dad: No swearing at the table.

**-End DiaLog-**

Okay, so then all of goddamn _Facebook_ knows I'm going to the amusement park and only after talking to Lucy, who heard if from Feliciano who read it off of Matthew's _livejournal_ who was with Alfred at school who happened to be standing near us when I asked Elizaveta out for the first time.

Suffice to say I hate my school.

Oh shit, Elizaveta's noticed me. Time to officially start Step 2 of "The most Incredible, Awesome, Kick-Ass, Foolproof Date Plan Ever."

**DiaLog - April 25th, 13:34 - This Year**

Elizaveta: Gilbert, what are you doing outside my house? How long have you been here?

Me: I'm here to pick you up for your awesome date. And I've only been here a few minutes. Oh, and you put _way_ too much milk in your KD. Seriously, cut back or you might get fat. (Okay, this was supposed to be a compliment. I was implying that she was thin, but Lizzie apparently didn't think it was that compliment-y.)

Her: Do you really want to date me Gilbert or is this just some weird idea you cooked up in that fat head of yours to ruin my life?

Me: I really want to date you! Really Lizzie! I'm sorry!

Her: Wow, Gilbert apologizing to me. (oh thank God she got in the car.) I must be dreaming. And no, I don't need to know how you should be a dream because you're soooo amazing that reality can't handle you. Let's just try to have a nice time, okay Gilbert?

Me: Touchy…

So I turn on the radio and we drive for a few minutes in silence and then Elizaveta starts playing with my radio. Don't girls not you don't touch that? It freaks guys out!

Me: Stop that.

Her: What is this you're listening to anyway? Sounds like stuff Roderich would play.

Me: (I slap her hand away) it's _Mozart_. Roddy listens to _Chopin._ There's a difference.

Her: It's bullshit. (So as I'm driving along she opens the middle compartment and pulls out my CD bag and starts rummaging through. Now, I'm gonna make a bold statement here and say that you really don't want the girl you've been pining after to find your secret stash of not-so-manly CDs(ex: Shania Twain, Michael Jackson, Michael Bublé))

-Note to Self- **CHANGE CDS IN CAR.**

Oh my God. She found my _glee_ CD… I'm never going to hear the end of this. Seriously, I should just move to Siberia right now with Ivan, Toris and Feliks and start fiddle lessons and just sit on a roof all day I mean-

Her: Hey, isn't this _glee_? I didn't know you watch that show.

Me: Psh, I don't, that's Ludwig's. (nice save.)

Her: Oh… I thought you might watch it. I love it. (omigod. She's blushing.)

Me: Okay, confession time. I like it, but don't fucking tell anyone. Alfred, Franny and Antonio will never let me hear the end of it.

Her: Can we listen if I promise not to tell?

Me: Deal.

**-End DiaLog-**

The rest of the ride we sing _Defying Gravity_ and are actually laughing and having a good time and she wasn't yelling at me, or threatening me with a frying pan or talking about Roderich. She was having _fun_ with ME.

So we arrive at the amusement park and I totally forget to put my hands over her eyes but I don't care because she _totally_ wants Mr. Schu and Mrs. Pillsbury to get together too and we both think that Finn should've punched Puck when he found out he wasn't the father of Quinn's baby!

Christ, I can't believe I just wrote that. I'm gayer than fucking Feliks. But it doesn't matter. Elizaveta is here with me and she's smiling, giggling and being really, really nice. It's like we've been friends all along.

Today is going to be amazing. Nothing is going to ruin this. Ever.

OH WAIT.

JUST KIDDING.

Franny/Anto: (From halfway across the goddamn parking lot. HOW DID THEY FUCKING FIND ME?) 

etcetera.

* * *

**Author's Note**

Also, something from this fanfic's outline that never made it into the final draft:

That Pole was hitting on Matthew today. Doesn't he know Mattie's my guy to hit on for fun?!

A meant Pole as in he was Polish.

Not that he had a 'pole.'

Yeah.


	4. Step 3

Chapter 3 - Step 3

-

**Currently**:

where: in my room.

when: I don't want to know how long I've been sitting here.

listening: Linkin Park (god I hate this band but… meeeeeh)

watching: my ceiling fan.

-

Here is a detailed breakdown of how the date went. I've been sitting in my room since it ended, mourning the fail that is my life. Maybe Ludwig will bring me my food and I can just stay here and never leave… I bet if I promise him porn (yay for being 18) he'd agree…

_Roller coaster. _

Outcome: **Failure.**

_Water Ride. _

Outcome: **Failure.**

_Cotton Candy. _

Outcome: **Not-as-bad-a-fail-as-the-roller-coaster-or-the-water-ride-but-still-a-fail.**

_Haunted House. _

Outcome: **Failure.**

_**Epic **_**failure.**

_More details included below._

_

* * *

_

**Roller Coaster - 14:30**

So we're going to the roller coaster right because it's the most hardcore ride and I want Francis and Antonio off our backs and I know for a fact that they both have weak stomachs.

How I Know Both My Friends Are Pukers

**Antonio: **Back in grade two we were at the playground and Toni was sitting on one of those roundabout things (oh God I'm turning British) eating tomato slices. Francis and I did what any young, annoying children would do.

Suffice to say, his puke had tomato skins in -not diced carrots though (OH GOD, I _AM_ TURNING BRITISH. I hope to God _Gott_ that Art doesn't read this.))

**Francis:** I saw him eat Arthur's food once and he totally threw-up all over Katya (more like BOObYA amirite?)

-Note to Self- Looking back, thinking about Antonio and Francis eating and then blowing chunks probably a main reason the Cotton Candy plan failed. Further research needed-

Okay, so, roller coaster. We wait in line, Tony and Franny being surprisingly polite and quiet. I'm on my toes, talking to Lizzie but constantly checking up on them. They're planning something. I _know _it. On the roller coast we go, Francis and Antonio sharing a car with us, them in the back, Elizaveta and I in front.

It starts gooooing up the chain, all slow and Elizaveta is practically bouncing in her seat with excitement, craning her neck to see around and it's not giving me a bad look at her cleavage. And then I notice it's a photo one. OKAY. EPIC. One picture with me 'n Lizzie having fun!? God, I'm so spamming Roderich's locker with this picture.

There we are, all posed, Elizaveta smiling with excitement and me grinning like the charming songofagun I am. The camera flashes and then the rollercoaster dipped down and went though a few loops and then it was over. Luckily enough, when we got off, Antonio and Francis did totally _not_ blow chunks! This might still just be an awesome day!

So elated was I (goddamn… that's just stupid). I was so excited; I offered to go get the picture, keen on buying as many copies as possible. (MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, LIVEJOURNAL AND WHATEVER OTHER STUPID SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES THERE ARE WOULD KNOW ABOUT MY ULTIMATE SCORE)

Off I go and what do I see? Me and Elizaveta looks hot while in back Antonio and Francis are kissing. What the fuck… why are my friends so intent on messing everything good about my life? I mean-

Her: Hey, Gil, how did the picture turn out?

Me: Horrible. You look like a bug flew up your nose and you're trying to sneeze it out. Oh and my eyes are… closed. (Okay, so I panicked a bit)

Her: Right…

Me: Water… ride next?

Okay, so that failed. But the water ride couldn't be that bad right?

Right?

* * *

**Water Ride - 15:24**

IT WAS THE MOST GODDAMN BORING RIDE EVER. Antonio and Francis both opted out so it was just me and Lizzie and somehow we managed to get the two seats on the entire ride where you don't get wet except for a little water on my pants. Not that it mattered; she was wearing her favourite _dark_ green shirt today.

So we get off, Francis and Antonio chatting with each other, all nice and casual then Francis' eyes look down at my pants. Immediately I stick my hands in my pockets, not keen on getting surprise groped by the Frenchy.

Franny: Gilbo, you 'ave some water on your pants.

Me: Ya, so?

Franny: It looks like your peed yourself. 'ere. (So he comes towards me; all innocent and shit and what happens? He pulls the handkerchief from by _backpocket_ and proceeds to rub it _all over my crotch._)

Elizaveta looks like she's having some kid of seizure so I quickly jump away from Francis and beat him over the head with my fist and snatch away my hanky is a most dignified manner.

Most digni-fucking-fied indeed.

* * *

**Cotton Candy - 15:53**

I'm totes skipping TO THE BEST PART OF THIS DAY BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY AWESOME. We manage to get to the cotton candy joint and Francis is moaning in French about how his head won't stop ringing. I couldn't give a shit and buy Elizaveta cotton candy and she thanks me, offering a bit. (She didn't feed it to me, but it was pretty goddamn close.)

Then Antonio wanders over and manages to somehow smear and entire cone (weave? Spin? Yard of floss?) of cotton candy into Elizaveta's hair.

Tony: Oh my God! I am so sorry Elizaveta! L-Let me help-

Me: C'mon Liz, let's go to the family washroom. (I take her hand and lead her away while silently glaring back at Antonio and Francis, dragging my finger across my neck. The French prick winks, blowing me a kiss while Antonio gives me a stupid smile. God I hate those two.)

So we're in the family washroom and it's all gross and mouldy but Elizaveta doesn't seem to mind, immediately heading to the sink and turning on the water. Carefully she dunks her hair under the water, struggling to get all of the bright blue candy out.

I waslk over and start helping her and I don't get kneed in the crotch. Greatest moment of my life. She has really nice hair…

Me: I'm really sorry Liz… (I say, WHILE CLEANING HER HAIR)

Her: It's alright. (There's this big pause where we finish getting all of it out and she straights slightly, giving me a small smile. I return it while she squeezes her hair dry, bend sideways over the sink, smiling at me. Oh my God is she… blushing?) It's actually kind of romantic…

And so we both kind of lean forward and I don't think my heart is even working anymore it's been beating so fast. I've been imagining this moment for months… years even. But it was never in the family bathroom of a rundown amusement park. Usually it was in the Swiss Alps, or on top of the Great Wall of China or somewhere equally as romantic. But it was alright, because my awesomeness was totally enough to make this the greatest moment of my life.

And then someone knocked on the door. Some mom with her kid that needed a diaper change ruins the one chance I had of actually _scoring_ with Elizaveta.

Are you happy now God? I'm going to die a virgin. Where in fuck sake did "_Gilbert Beilschmidt shalt be a virgin!_" fit in your goddamn divine plan!? Christ… I'm so never asking you for anything again.

-

**Dear Buddha,**

Don't let me die a virgin.

Love, your biggest, newest (and most awesome) follower,

_Gilbert Beilschmidt_

-

And then there was the goddamn haunted house. Which had fail of such epic proportions, it needs it's own post.

Enjoy the cliff-hanger, bitches.


	5. Step 4

**Chapter 4 - Step 4**

Currently:

where: I've managed to make it into the kitchen

when: it's like… 15:03… yeah

listening: Ludwig making me food… though it's me basically telling him how not to fuck up instant ramen. I think I'm going to go watch Tarzan later on… Disney movies always make me feel less emo.

watching: Ludwig making food and my life turning into a shitty teen drama all around me. _Mmm watcha' say…_

Oh right, the date. Considering we never even got to the Ferris Wheel, I'm actually debating whether step four even happened. It's more like step 3.7 failed… Oh well, it still failed. After the whole deal in the bathroom, we go over to the haunted house and Liz is being all quiet and stuff (probably still blown away by the awesome thought of kissing me.

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:03 - This Year**

the haunted house, standing in line

Me: So what kind of haunted house is this anyway? (vague attempt to get Liz talking) Just ghosts or do you think might have other stuff in there?

Tony: If it was me, they'd have it filled with Lovis. As much as I adore my little Lovi, he scares me!

Me: Wow, thanks for that completely pointless info Toni.

Toni: Fine then, what you scared of Gilly? (_Elizaveta turns to us, looking very interested_.)

Me: Uh, nothing. (I look over and she raises an eyebrow) Except frying pans of course. (She giggles and I swoon. Christ, my own suaveness is amazing sometimes.)

Francis: Maybe there are bears in there Gilbo.

**-End DiaLog-**

Okay so if there's one thing I am absolutely goddamn terrified of, it's bears. Like over 9000 pounds of fur claws, teeth and rage barrelling towards you in a dark forest?

I THINK MY FEAR IS LEGETIMIZED.

I try and laugh along with Elizaveta (don't lose my cool, right? I mean, who would put bears in a haunted house? That's just stupid, right? Unless there was, like, _ghost bears_…)

Oh fuck.

-note to self-

**bear-proof room.**

**immediately.**

As we wait in line I'm have a serious, but quiet, panic attack which I skilfully disguise as a coughing fit (Fucking Francis is still smirking at me, thinking he's won just because he's pointed out my ursaphobia BUT HE HASN'T! Later I'll be sure to bother him about his Anglo-nasty-food-phobia)

Head of the line and just who happens to be standing there? Roderich. Roderich Edelstein is our ticket guy. Roderich. Prick. Aristocrat. The object of my contempt. Works at an amusement park.

Dear God,

Thanks. I totally believe in you again.

Love,

Gilbert

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:06 - This Year**

Me: Roddy, Roddy, Roddy, look how the mighty have fallen.

Rod (oh man, he's even got the dorky uniform. He doesn't suit lime green): Gilbert? Antonio? Francis? (he looks at Liz) Elizaveta…

Liz: (I can feel her words practically freezing as she says them) Hello Roderich. Having a nice day?

Rod: It's been fine.

Me: So, Roddy, gonna take our tickets or what? (and then Liz grabs onto my arm, clinging to it. Fuckin' score.)

Rod (ripping our tickets): Enjoy the ride.

Me (winking and holding Liz close): Oh, I will. (ownd.)

**-End DiaLog-**

Man, I am so getting laid.

* * *

The haunted house isn't really that scary, mostly just walking through, looking in on scenes with monster in flickering lights and glow-in-the-dark neon paint. It's not really that scary but Liz is clinging to me like it's Lector's secret house of horrors. Not that I mind or anything. (definitely a C. this is turning into the greatest day of my life.)

Finally we get to like, the last leg of the house and it's a hall of mirrors. Toni and Franny ran ahead before us so it's been relatively quiet with Liz.

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:10 - This Year**

Liz: Hey Gil?

Me: Yeah Liz?

Liz (she's grinning like she did she was young and I'm about to get my ass handed to me): Catch me!

And she runs off. I blink and she's just gone. Like, two seconds. God, I never thought I'd say this; but I hate mirrors.

Me: H-Hey! Wait! (I vaguely chase after her but manage only two steps before eating it into a mirror. Okay, this is going to need some serious time to figure this one out.)

Liz is giggling and I can see her reflection flicking in and out of my view. So I follow blindly until I'm absolutely lost. I kinda stumble into this circle of mirrors and I get to see myself from 360 degrees. I can… take a second, right?

Me: Ahaha! This is so great! Man, I look good at every angle. (I slick my hair back, winking at the nearest reflection) '_What's cookin' good lookin'._" (Reaching into my pocket, I fire two shots from me fingerguns and blowing smoke of their tips, replacing them in my pockets.)

Man. I am a badass.

**-End DiaLog-**

Everything's going pretty good, then I just hear this small scream and a large thump. Oh no, _the bears got Elizaveta_. I book it towards the sound and what do I stumble upon? Elizaveta collapsed, her nose bleeding while ten feet away, Antonio has Francis pushed up against a mirror, kissing him.

_**OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK.**_

_**

* * *

**_**Author's Note  
**

Yes, I know it's not ursaphobia, but it's easier to figure out than the actual term.


	6. Step 5

**Chapter 6 - Step 5**

So today I found out two things.

1. I am haemtophobia. (on top of being Melissophobic (not ursaphobic, go figure))

2. Elizaveta is a fan of something called "Boy's Love" and Francis says I should talk to Kiku about it… I don't know if I want to.

* * *

Currently:

where: still in the kitchen

when: 16:10

listening: Ludwig slurping his soup like a baboon. Too bad dad isn't here, this would be a good time to get Ludwig back for being _a fucking cockblock_.

watching: BBC news (I don't know why, anything's better than watching Luddy.)

* * *

Where were we? Oh yeah

_**OH MY GOD WHAT THE **__**FUCK**_

So Elizaveta is DYING on the ground and I can't even go an save her. Why? She's bleeding. That's so… gross! All her red and kjhdskfhf it's fucking everywhere and Antonio has his hand up Francis' shirt and is _feeling him up_ and Francis has his hands IN ANTONIO'S HAIR, like, TUGGING IT.

Meanwhile, I'm fucking collapsed against a mirror sick to my stomach form the blood and the fact that my two best friends are MAKING OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

And then the fucking cherry on top of the sundae of my defeat. Francis turns to me, looks me up and now, licks him lips, pants and says:

_Hey Gil, wanna join?_

NO.

NO.

NO.

I don't want to join your gay shnanigans! I'm not a gay! DAFFYD IS GAY. ALBUS IS GAY. HELL, KURT IS GAY.

GILBERT?

NO.

GILBERT LIKES WOMEN.

A WOMAN IN PARTICULAR HE LIKES IS CURRENTLY DYING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE A CERTAIN GAY BEST FRIEND COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF!

Of course I couldn't even say any of thing because I felt like I going to puke.

And then game the fucking chocolate syrup on top.

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:14 - This Year**

Me: (gurgles again mirror)

Liz: (dying on floor)

Francis: (laughing and grabbing Antonio's bum)

Antonio: (copping a feel of Franny's chest (_what is there even to grab?!_) and shoving his tongue into Franny's mouth)

Roderich: (walks around corner) What in God's… (looks at me, then Liz) Elizaveta? Elizaveta! (FALLS TO HIS KNEES LIKE TRAGIC HERO, SHAKING HER) Liz? Dear, wake up. And will you two stop that!?

Antonio + Francis: (stop, but Francis still feels Antonio's ass until Roderich's glare makes him keep his hands to himself) Sorry Roderich… I could not resist this little piece of Spanish ass.

Me: (falls unconscious)

-**End DiaLog-**

* * *

Then I wake up. I'm outside the haunted house and Antonio is standing over me and staring at me like the freak he is. I try to scramble up but Francis' hand pushes on my forehead, pushing me back into his lap.

So I find out my friends are gay, pass out because of it, and they think the best thing to do is have me lay in Francis' lap?

Way to be guys.

After a few minutes of fighting myself off of Francis' lap I stand up, panting.

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:45 - This Year**

Me: Antonio, sit down _right fucking now_, we're having a talk. Where's Liz?

Tony: She's at the hospital, Rod rode with her.

Me: -incomprehensible scream of rage-

Francis (wraps an arm around Tony as he sits down): I do not see why you are so-

Me: Why I'm so fucking _upset_!? I hate you both.

Tony: (bows his head, at least looking a little guilty)

Franny: It is no our fault you cannot stand zee sight of blood.

Me: That's not the point! You've ruined every chance I'll ever have with Liz! She's probably off falling in love with Roderich right now.

Tony (how come when he frowns he looks exactly like a puppy?): What makes you say that? She's practically unconscious from blood loss. Not exactly up for falling in love.

Me (resisting the urge to smack him): Haven't you seen a soap opera? The minute there's a hospital, the victim is almost always guaranteed to fall in love with whoever saved them or was in the ambulance.

Franny: Don't you think you are over-

Me: I am not overreacting! This is the only chance I had with Elizaveta and you ruined it because you couldn't keep your goddamn hands to yourself! And now I'm going to die an old, lonely, sad man!

(Then I turn my back and are basically tackled to the ground by Antonio hugging me)

Tony: I sorry Gilbo! (oh God he's wailing like he's skinned his knee. The big baby) I didn't mean to! If it's any consolation, I'll die old and lonely with you so we won't be lonely!

Franny (joining in the group hug): _Oui_. I will also join you.

(I'm feeling a little better, but… this is all just ruined by, big shocker, Francis)

Franny: After all _les ménage à trios_ are better than just two.

**-End DiaLog-**

* * *

And now here we are… At house, mourning the fact that my life sucks. I have no girlfriend, am questioning every night I have ever spent over at Francis' or Antonio's house for a sleepover and am considering stealing some of Ludwig's ramen because mine is all gone.

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:36 - This Year**

Me: Lud, gimmie some of that.

Lud: No Gilbert. I just made you some.

Me: But I want more.

Lud: Make it yourself then.

Me: Can't you have a little sympathy for your older bro? c'mon Lud, gimmie some!

Lud: No. I have no sympathy for you.

Me: Some little brother you are…You're making this harder than it already is.

Lud: That's what she said.

Me: What?

**-End DiaLog-**

Before he can explain what the hell he's talking about, there's a knock at the door. Being the poor hard-done by and pathetic older brother I am, I make Ludwig answer it. So I'm curled up at the kitchen table, a blanket from my aunt wrapped around me and who does Ludwig bring back in?

**DiaLog - April 25th, 16:42 - This Year**

Franny: We have a plan.

Tony: Y-Yeah! We want to make it up to you Gilly

Me: Will you stop trying so hard? _I am going to die alone._

Ludwig (sitting down again, reading the newspaper): That's what she said.

Antonio: B-But Gilly… it's a great plan! You have to come!

Ludwig: That's what she said.

Me: Lud, shut up, these two are just about to get off anyway.

Ludwig: That's what she said.

Me: Ludwig! What the hell, that doesn't make any sense; there are no girls here! _She_ didn't say anything!

Ludwig (gets up from table, leaving): That's what _he_ said. (and then he slips off. I don't get him, he's so weird sometimes)

Silence.

Silence.

Maybe they'll leave if I keep glaring at them.

Me: -glares-

Franny: We want to get you back with Elizavetha, but if you do not want our 'elp, we will leave. Come on Antonio, we are not wanted 'ere.

Me: Wait… You can get me back with Liz?

Franny: -flipping his hair over his shoulder- Please Gil. I can get you with any girl you want, let me tell you ze plan.

**-End DiaLog-**

* * *

Don't worry you guys. Elizaveta may be dating Roderich again, but I've come up with a brilliant plan!

**The Most Incredible, Awesome, Kick-Ass, Foolproof Date Plan Ever**

**(v.2)**

_By Gilbert Beilschmidt_

**Step 1:** Ask Elizaveta out.

_Sample situation:_

Gilbert (me): Hey Elizaveta.

Elizaveta (her): Gil, hey, I've totally gotten over all the anger I had for you and am now willing to be your friend.

Me: Oh, that's good to hear. So, you wanna try a date again?

Her: Well, I am half-dating Roderich again, but secretly I'm still head-over-heels for you… Okay, sure.

**Step 2:** Pick romantic-yet casual place for date.

NOT THE AMUSEMENT PARK, THAT'S FOR SURE.

**Step 3: **Accidentally run into Antonio and Francis.

Me: Hey! Look over there, it's Francis and Antonio! Why don't we go over and see them?

Her: That'd be amazing!

Franny: Oh, Gilbert, Elizaveta. How nice to see you here!

Tony: Indeed, what a crazy random happenstance! Francis and I were just about to go somewhere dark, maybe a movie, would you like to join us?

Me: I don't know, what do you think Elizaveta?

_And she'll say yes obvious because dark place + two boys that are into each other = makeout session._

**Step 4:** Lure her along with promise of "Boy's Love" (still don't know what that is; have vague idea though)

**Step 5: **Convince her to go on more double dates with Tony and Franny.

**Step 6:** Get laid.

Hopefully not by Franny or Tony…


End file.
